Reclaiming the Light

A Perspective from a Neurodivergent person reclaiming their authenticity.

From the moment I entered this world, I was endowed with a purpose to given reason as to why I should partake in the miracle we called existence. I believe that purpose is to explore and ponder the nature of the universe through the study of it’s expressive qualities, (i.e. mathematics, physics, astronomy, spirituality that aligns with truth, etc.) in order to break them down into there simplest axioms, and convey those axioms to those that would hear, so that there lives might be enriched. One confirmation of this comes from my early childhood. You see, around the time I was the age of four, I was diagnosed with Persuasive Developmental Disorder (P.D.D) which falls under the category of Asperger’s Syndrome, a high functioning form of Autism.

The thing is that I did not realize it at the time. The diagnoses seemed to be akin to a double edge sword. On one hand, since my brain was wired differently then most people, I was blessed with a different perceptual apparatus which I could use to explore the universe from a unique perspective. On the other hand, If you were to look from the outside, you might get the wrong impression. I did not really start to talk until the age of three, which is quite unusual for a child. Once I did start to speak, I still had quite a bit of problems in the communication department. I struggled with basic eye contact, as well as various speech issues, and had difficulty following basic directions.

The thing is that people tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive, and conformity is an addictive drug. Because I had a problem with communication, I had a problem with standing up for myself. This meant that I was a prime victim for narcissistic abuse coming from within my household and people growing up around me. I think that due to the lack of information about my condition in the 90’s, that society saw me through skewed lenses and treated me as if I was something that I was not. It was assumed that my condition was purely an intellectual disability and that as a result, that I would more or less be dependent on other people for the rest of my life.

Therefore, I was treated as such. I was really allowed no autonomy in my thinking. I was to do as I was told, no questions permitted whatsoever. It got to the point that when I was the 6th grade, that I thought that my sole purpose was to please others and to follow there beck and call. I was assigned to make a poem book for my English class and one of the poems we were required to make was to compare yourself to an inanimate object. I’ll share that poem below

Point of View poem:

Being a doorknob

‘Being a doorknob is not very easy

I’m touched, I’m grabbed, I’m strangled, and I’m slammed on the wall.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t exist, but I know that I am special.

I’m constantly being used, and not all hands are clean

So I learn to make the best of it

Or face a pessimistic life

One day I met a smelly dog

It’s saliva was as disgusting as a corpse

It was unfortunate that the dog misinterpreted me as a chicken bone

So I had to survive a lick that would give most people a fainting spell

And the worst part about being a doorknob, is being unloved and mistreated

I never get kisses or presents or hugs, and I’m especially never thanked for my labors

But I still live today

To tell my dreadful story

Because if I didn’t exist

The door would not open and close’

I think this suffices as a good representation as to where my psyche was during my childhood. For as long as I can remember, I was treated as a black sheep. Because I was perceived as intellectually weak, I was treated as such. From my point of view I was perceived as the local neighborhood retard, and when you are told that you are not good enough, and you hear the ‘r’ word one too many times, you start to act the part.

Thus, an internal battle was born. On one hand, I was convinced from a young age that my life was to serve a positive purpose and that I had been blessed with the ability to perform that said purpose. On the other hand, I saw myself as some freak alien, an outcast of sorts, and my identification with this false narrative robbed me of said purpose. Part of my life was spent fighting this identification tooth and nail. I would meticulously study human behavior from listening to random interactions, to studying comics in order to understand humor since I was told that I was incapable of having a sense of humor. However, I have spent most of my life thinking that I was broken, and incapable of redemption, and as a result, did not live up to my potential. I lost the battle that was raging in my mind.

This is the reason I decided to write about myself. Firstly, I wanted to put my life into a holistic perspective to see what went right and what went wrong. Secondly, my life isn’t over and I still have work to do. I still have a war to fight. I’d like to show you a second poem that I wrote for the same poetry project as an ode to my favorite physicist at the time, Dr. Steven Hawking. This one offers a glimmer of hope. A reminder that anyone can change and overcome their situation if they develop resilience and and a unyielding sense of purpose as to why the universe properly placed them.

Dr. Steven Hawking

‘This is for Dr. Steven Hawking, who fascinated me with his findings in physics that most people find amazing (this made me chuckle).

He is who works at an excruciating rate every day.

He is who shows thy world that his disabilities do not disable him.

He is who laughs at death in thy face an endures till thy end.

He shows wisdom.

He shows courage.

He shows endurance.

When you se Dr Hawking, you don’t see him. You see a shell.

A shell that cannot move. A shell that cannot even talk.

But inside, lies something that is more valuable than platinum.

A soul that changes our understanding of physics.

A soul that makes a rainy day, a sunny day.

This person was born special and unique. His talents meant to tutor.

Without him, thy understanding of black holes would be dim, and physics would be behind society’s hunger for knowledge.

He also inspires many people to live happy and optimistic lives.

And knows truly and sincerely that anything is possible, despite pessimistic people who live to doubt his ideas.

And always finds a way to prove them wrong. This has helped the human race tremendously.

Dr. Steven Hawking will work till the very end.

He never takes a break, and will never stop till the very end.

To give the ultimate gift; knowledge.

This man has shown us with his actions to look at thy little moments in life.

To live to your maximum every day.

To show the world what we can do, and influences wisely by example.

He will always live in our hearts, and will be remembered for eternity for what he did.

This is for Dr. Steven Hawking.

Who fascinated me with his findings in physics.

That most people find amazing.’

There are two takeaways that I have gained insight from my younger self.

One, a quote from The Book of Matthew comes to mind “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3 NASB 1995). My mind as a child obviously overlooked some of the personal vices that Stephen Hawking had which in retrospect is quite funny. Nevertheless, I definitely appreciate purity of heart in people as I get older as it is becoming a rare commodity. The second takeaway is that even when I started to doubt myself that deep down, I still knew what I was born for and what I needed to do in order to achieve what the English Occultist and Polymath Aleister Crowley coined as ‘True Will’. I even used the Bible verse in my poem that Crowley’s magical motto, ‘Frader Perdurabo’ which is essentially Latin for ‘he who endures until the end’ ( from Matthew 24:13). Even then I more or less knew that spirituality and science were two sides of the same coin. That by studying physics and other aspects of science, one was actually studying the nature of light. And if one can dovetail spirituality and science in a way that compliments both with truth and offends neither with deceit, then one has found a method in which to illuminate the people around him.

In conclusion, I write this message as an inspiration to others. I know that I am not the only neurodivergent person who has been tossed to the side and treated as less then they are. If you resonate with this message and feel as if you have wasted your potential, then know that it is not too late. There is always opportunity to genuinely change for the better. Remember who you are. Inquire as to why you exist and why you still do. Once you’ve figured out that, dedicate your heart and soul to this purpose. Join me in Reclaiming the Light that was lost.

I intend for this channel as a form of advocacy. I want to use my neurodivergent lenses to tackle different matters of interest from mathematics and science to psychology and spirituality and breaking down any concepts that I decipher in a way that is easy and digestible. I will also speak on my Autism and how I navigate this Neurotypical world as I hope that it will help other people who are struggling with the same difficulties in life. If you liked this message, and want to see more of what I’m about, then consider subscribing.

Until next time, ciao.